The Ramblings of Elyse

Ok, as a disclaimer, I actually wrote this on the 3rd of June. I just haven't posted it til now, but since I kind of make reference to it in this blog, I felt I should actually post it.
Parts of it are so much less important now, I know. Which is why there is this disclaimer.  




Something happened a couple of weeks that has kind of sent a whole bunch of things into a tailspin.

Which you know, kind of sucks. That one event can just massively impact everything else and it sucks even more because it has overall just made me feel ridiculously pathetic.

Yeah, I'm being deliberately vague. That is on purpose due to the feeling ridiculously pathetic.

But I was thinking about WHY it bothers me so much.
Well, it depends on which angle I look at it. There is the chance that I was fucked over and injustice and all that bullshit. Or you know, lack of respect and trust in me, which I have spent years trying to pretend that it doesn't matter.

The real thing is. I want to be remembered. I want to be able to have some kind of impact to an organisation that I spent years at.
And how do we refer to the passing of time? "Whose weekend was it that year?"
It's not about years or passing of time, but by the names of people.

I leave and it all just fades away.
I fade away.

I realise I do the same thing at work. I'm on the quest for some kind of legacy, some kind of proof that I was there.
That I actually had an impact on something.
Anything.

I think this is something I have a skewed view on. I'm not denying that, but maybe I read through Harry Potter one too many times.
The whole "I remember that name from having to clean the trophies" aspect or the fact at work, I know the names and roles of so many people I've never met because I've either seen them on the show or have seen their names on briefs.
But, I don't have that.

In Stalin's USSR, people would be executed and then wiped out of records. Photos would be doctored, reports destroyed. It would be as those people never existed and that was exactly the point.   What do you mean there was someone who disagreed with me?
What proof do you have?
None. Because I destroyed it.

And there is always need to prove it. If you can't prove it. It didn't happen.
If you CAN'T prove it, than it can't exist.

I can prove I existed. I have paperwork and everything. Pretty sure

Maybe I've over thought this, maybe I just can't see what the actual story is and what happens, and I probably shouldn't care as much as I do.
But I do.